This post has been in part inspired by the Showtime series,The Real L Word, in addition to me just wanting to rant about my sexuality. When I was 10, I had my first dream about kissing a woman. Not just any woman, then teen star Courtney Thorne-Smith. I loved her spaced out character in Summer School. All she cared about was surfing and flirting with her teacher. I dreamt she drove up to my house, picked me up on a corvette, and kissed me once I hopped in. I didn’t really think anything of it since I didn’t know what the hell that meant at the time, but on occasion I dream about being with both men and women sexually. With men in my dreams it’s usually me being raeped or raw sex.
So this brings me to the question. Am I a lesbian, bisexual, or straight? Why does labeling matter so much anyway? It’s not like I have any impact on your life? It’s not like I’m contagious or I’m hurting anyone. All I’m doing is being with someone that I love. Anyone who sees me in person will think I’m straight. I look femme, but I have that sporty edginess sometimes. Admittedly, I am attracted to both men and women, but I don’t feel like dating men. Why? Maybe it’s because I’ve been harassed by them since I was little-kissed out of the blue, asked straight out if I wanted to have sex at someplace, touched in places without my permission, did things I was unsure or ready for, and my list ends there for what I’d like to reveal about my experiences. Simply put, I’m afraid of men and don’t feel as much sexually. With men, I feel more sex than I feel love. With a woman, I feel “love”, love when I see it in her eyes and I feel it in her touch. It’s sweet.
So is it the sex that I like or the person? When it comes down to it, I think if I truly loved that person, gender aside, sexually it may not matter that much. Okay maybe just a little…a woman “needs” to have an orgasm sometimes! At least this woman does!
When did I realize I was attracted to women? After my two year relationship with my closest friend since middle school, I never thought I’d desire to be with another woman. My thinking was that she was the only female I’d ever be attracted to-that I was straight except just for her. It wasn’t until during, yes during, my 4 year relationship with a man that I began to desire the closeness of another woman. We ended our relationship due to a lot of things I’d rather not get into. Did I get with my best friend again? No. Although I know if I did want to be with her, she would say yes. I love her, but I’m not “in love” with her. It’s either I love that person or I don’t have sex.
Have I had sex even though I didn’t love someone? Yes. It was a terrible experience and yet a night I cannot forget. I felt nothing and yet lost something. It’s a feeling I hope to never feel again.
In essence, when it comes to love, gender matters a little because of my experiences with men. I don’t see genders, but I would rather date a woman than a man. When my heart races out of love and not out of hesitation, then I know it’s right.