{Relationships} Motivated by Love and loving another woman

Tags

Coming Out, courage strength, free, freedom, lesbian, love, relationships, Sexuality

Today I came across this quote by the Dalai Lama

The more you are motivated by Love, The more Fearless and Free your action will be.

What a powerful statement! Ever loved someone enough where you felt fearless and free? How far will you go to nest into a life with someone for love…to have her by your side, for you both to take care of one another and create a relationship that grows deeper with each day? There are so many obstacles to overcome and maybe even some barriers to put up to protect your relationship from idiotic hateful people.

I experienced that once while in the parking lot of my Uni one day. My first girl friend and I were in the parking lot and she was fooling around I think punching me in my arm or something. We weren’t doing anything sexual to one another but our playfulness may have exhibited a closeness that prompted some guy in his 50s walking across the street to spit out racist and insensitive lesbian comments. Of course we both screamed “F$@K YOU!” and dashed in our car before he had the chance to run across the street. It did make me feel exposed and ashamed.

When people don’t understand a love like that it becomes hurtful. So the barriers go up and you remember how fortunate you are to have love to begin with that runs deeper and stronger than what other people have to say or think. Being motivated by love should be the rock in a relationship to which no storm big or small can ever knock down.

{dream} Woke up crying…happy tears?

Tags

Adele, Audrey Hepburn, Dream, Dream Sharing, Flower, Kate Winslet, lesbian, love, personal, Random

I’ll skip the beginning part of my dream which to me seemed more like a nightmare than anything. This part of my dream I look and feel different than everyone else around me, my friends and family. I’m dancing the tango with an old school guy friend of mine I consider my brother to this day. He grabs me by my legs and spins me around,  pulling me through a pile of leaves not touching the ground. At first I get extremely frightened that he will drop me but then I let him whirl me inches from the ground still holding me by the legs. I feel that rush like I’m being dropped but I never fall. (I think this part of my dream is on account of watching too much Dancing With The Stars)

Next I’m back on the ground but I’m with a woman. She’s my girlfriend. I can’t see her face but her aura feels like Kate Winslet. I’m in a white sundress running through a meadow full of white and yellow flowers that sway against the breeze. I hear the words, “begging” from her lips calling out to me as she runs after me but I continue to run away from her toward the metal fence just like in the photo above. Her words echo, “I’m begging you to stay…….” and Adele’s song “Rolling in the Deep” begins to play softly in the background. I’m running away from her because I’m afraid to be with her-afraid that I’ve fallen too far in love with her that I don’t want to face it anymore.

Once I reach the fence, I climb over it. I stand still staring at this unfamiliar overgrown grassland land full of vines and wild flowers that look extremely parched. I see a much older woman, in her 60s perhaps. She looks quite old and with crowsfeet around her eyes. However, she is someone I know and beyond the wrinkles I can see a graceful beauty. She almost resembles Audrey Hepburn with her dark hair tied loosely back, her pale complexion and her tender youthful eyes. The longer I’m with her the more beautiful she becomes. Suddenly a dried up yellow flower next to the woman comes to life and turns into another woman confessing her long lost love for her. Then a different flower transforms into a woman. There are about 4 women now hugging one another having come from flowers. This grassland was full of women who held onto their love for so long they turned into flowers and once they found their love again they transformed back into women.

While I watch this touching event unfold before me, a wilted sunflower slowly turns to face me. It transforms into the woman I ran away from beyond the fence and says to me,”I’ve loved you for a lifetime…..” She too turned into a flower and waited for me. She finally found me and we were able to finally be together.

I begin to cry……I could feel my heart and chest swelling……..then I wake up.  That is why I’m up at 4:30 in the morning writing this strange dream. Time doesn’t exist in a dream until you wake up.

{relationships} Am I a lesbian ..bisexual..When I realized I was attracted to women

Tags

Gender, lesbian, Random, relationships, Sexuality

This post has been in part inspired by the Showtime series,The Real L Word, in addition to me just wanting to rant about my sexuality. When I was 10, I had my first dream about kissing a woman. Not just any woman, then teen star Courtney Thorne-Smith. I loved her spaced out character in Summer School. All she cared about was surfing and flirting with her teacher.  I dreamt she drove up to my house, picked me up on a corvette, and kissed me once I hopped in.  I didn’t really think anything of it since I didn’t know what the hell that meant at the time, but on occasion I dream about being with both men and women sexually. With men in my dreams it’s usually me being raeped or raw sex.

So this brings me to the question. Am I a lesbian, bisexual, or straight? Why does labeling matter so much anyway? It’s not like I have any impact on your life? It’s not like I’m contagious or I’m hurting anyone. All I’m doing is being with someone that I love. Anyone who sees me in person will think I’m straight. I look femme, but I have that sporty edginess sometimes. Admittedly, I am attracted to both men and women, but I don’t feel like dating men. Why? Maybe it’s because I’ve been harassed by them since I was little-kissed out of the blue, asked straight out if I wanted to have sex at someplace, touched in places without my permission, did things I was unsure or ready for, and my list ends there for what I’d like to reveal about my experiences. Simply put, I’m afraid of men and don’t feel as much sexually. With men, I feel more sex than I feel love. With a woman, I feel “love”, love when I see it in her eyes and I feel it in her touch. It’s sweet.

So is it the sex that I like or the person? When it comes down to it, I think if I truly loved that person, gender aside, sexually it may not matter that much. Okay maybe just a little…a woman “needs” to have an orgasm sometimes! At least this woman does!

When did I realize I was attracted to women? After my two year relationship with my closest friend since middle school, I never thought I’d desire to be with another woman. My thinking was that she was the only female I’d ever be attracted to-that I was straight except just for her. It wasn’t until during, yes during, my 4 year relationship with a man that I began to desire the closeness of another woman. We ended our relationship due to a lot of things I’d rather not get into. Did I get with my best friend again? No. Although I know if I did want to be with her, she would say yes. I love her, but I’m not “in love” with her. It’s either I love that person or I don’t have sex.

Have I had sex even though I didn’t love someone? Yes. It was a terrible experience and yet a night I cannot forget. I felt nothing and yet lost something. It’s a feeling I hope to never feel again.

In essence, when it comes to love, gender matters a little because of my experiences with men. I don’t see genders, but I would rather date a woman than a man. When my heart races out of love and not out of hesitation, then I know it’s right.

{relationships} COSMO: “Why More Girls Are Kissing Girls”

Tags

Cosmo article, Random, relationships, Why are more girls kissing girls

Yup! Reading Cosmopolitan is a guilty pleasure of mine! Most of the stuff that interests me are the fashion, makeup, and the sex articles just crack the hell out of me! It’s like an awful awful movie you cannot tear your eyes away from..that and the 1 year subscription was only $4!

While I was perusing July’s issue for trends, I found Why More Girls Are Kissing Girls. OOOOH! According to the article, more women are kissing women because top celebrities like Lady Gaga, Megan Fox, Fergie, and Anna Paquin are open about their bisexuality. That causes a rippling in society and where more women become comfortable kissing other women because it’s seen as more mainstream, whether it be experimental or otherwise.

Another point of the article:

“So how do you know if your girl crush is actually something more? You can think a gal pal is gorgeous and want to hang with her all the time, but that doesn’t mean you want to be with her.” Basically if you can imagine yourself in a relationship with your friend, then it’s more than just a crush. How you go about dealing with those issues is another story.

To end this post: Girls kissing girls is MUI MUI C-A-L-I-E-N-T-E!!!